And now you sea* me…

Wake up...   Get up... Leave the house...  If, whatever you are expecting to happen, is not happening, take a different path to get there...  VGM

 Ultimate Control is a deceiving and delusional desire of an emotionally poor mind, that can never be satisfied...   I have never been possessive. You are free of being and doings whatever you want... This is the only way I can appreciate you for who you are. If you feel captivated by me sometimes it is chemistry, not control...  I don’t mind the feeling of a little possession, when I am dancing in front of you…  At that very moment you belong to me fully and unconditionally...  And, yet... you can say the same about me - I am in your hands...  This possession and control are equal, balanced, united... and most fulfilling… VGM

 Have you ever loved someone out of pity? …  Us, women, with our motherly instincts, transferring our motherhood to incapable men? … Though, he is not incapable at all…  He knows you. He knows how to use your instincts to his benefit…  Let him have it…  Let him live his fantasy…  Lead him to believe he is your God… Illusions make men happy… And us, women, satisfied… VGM

  I forgot to tell you, I am a psychologist, not the one who signs prescriptions left and right. That would be a psychiatrist. I listen to people every day, their stories, fears and troubles. It’s my job to listen and not interfere unless necessary…   Sometimes I feel like smacking my patient on the head because of how ridiculous he/she may sound… It is also my job to keep it together…   Turns out he is real.   We spoke on the phone. He talks a lot. He doesn’t stop for a second…  Come on dude! I am getting a headache here! Don’t you want to know about me, at least a little? …  Okay, keep going. I turn the volume down in my head.  I think, he is talking this much because he is afraid of silence… He is definitely overcompensating…  He is shy. I am no longer listening. It’s too much. I don’t even know what to say when he stops talking… Feels like there’s nothing to add… Alright, that went well…   I have to give him a credit. He is sweet, definit...

 Living one day at the time is a great way to deal with immediate stress, to keep better control over your daily emotions...  Scarlett O’Hara (“Gone with the wind “) used to say - “I’ll worry about that tomorrow “...and never gave it a second thought... It made her indifferent to other people’s feelings... Unfortunately pushing negative experiences and emotions away is like applying a Band-Aid to a deep wound that needs stitches. It will heal one day... It’s going to leave an ugly scar...  We have to sew our wounds stitch by stitch... by ourselves or with help of others...  We have to answer all the difficult questions- why, what and how... We have to try to be as objective as we can, even if it hurts. And we avoid pain...  Objectivity comes with understanding “why”.   Then... “What” and “how” help with compartmentalization, forgiveness and let go...  All painful experiences will transform into a positive lesson...one day...  VGM

  I should describe myself at this point… or at least what I think of myself…   It’s hard… We can talk about others a lot easier…  I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less…  I knew many and this is why I am alone…  I think this would be the right description… Do I really feel lonely? … Busy mind is never lonely, I always say.  My question is: do I need a man to complete me, or will he be my partner in crime? I am sure, you already know the answer... I am a good looking, tall, fit woman in my early 50s, independent, kind and smart. I think, he is good looking too, nothing special, you know…   Not a dream, but who needs a pretty one… Pretty guys are in love with themselves…  I said:  - I may not be the woman of your dreams but my sensuality will follow you.  And he said:  - How do you know it’s not following me already?  Wow, this guy is good! He can’t be real…  Is it one of those  scams? … VGM To be continued…

 You don’t really need to write a story from the beginning...  There are thoughts...  Write them down. Even, if they don’t lead to anything...  Even, if they feel insignificant at the moment...  Let it go for a little while...  Then, read it as an outsider, like you have never written it...  Sometimes... all those little notes can turn into one masterpiece… VGM

 … Love is unexplainable and irrational feeling...  We have no say in whom to love and why...  The magic of it is to except someone into your heart on no conditions...  Something, very insignificant, can trigger eternal fire...   VGM

  ... I think of a million tiny miracles that happen to us every day…  From the moment we wake up to sunrise...  A friendly greeting...  complement... hug… care... smile... laugh...  And of course... love... sunset... and peace... VGM

  ... I am at that perfect age when I eat what I want... without fear, reservations or regrets... And I am not talking about food… A love...  Slow or fast...  Giving away every inch of myself... little by little... or all at once... following your lead of emotions... your needs, wants and passions... exposing myself, pleasuring you... giving you what you want to see or feel about me...  It’s easy because I know you...  Even…  I don’t know you at all...  VGM

  I had a dream...  Nothing profound...  We were in the kitchen... I guess it was a breakfast time... You were making coffee... your back on me...  You whispered so quietly -” I love you “.  I didn’t ask you to repeat...     I knew...  VGM

  Genius… It’s fed by painful, unfulfilled, restricted, uneven, broken love...  When pain is unbearable...  When desire to be near an object or a subject of your love becomes an obsession ...  When everything else in life makes no sense...  This is when true talent or vicious evil born...  VGM

  Remember, I was saying I don’t like my pictures? …  It turns out, guys do. And everyone of them believes he is the right peace of puzzle… Now, how do I narrow it down? … I like them so intelligent that it feels sexy…  Speaking of sexy   - those are hard to find - someone who is so playful without being vulgar…  Wow, here is one…  - You are my type (he says).  Interesting icebreaker…  - And what is your type?  He: - What horoscope sign is you? Men never ask this question… Very strange…  - You are the most passionate sign of the horoscope. I want it all! (He says)  Here it is - undeniable combination of power and possession, and at the same time total freedom and acceptance of who I am… VGM  To be continued…

  He says:   - I love you. I love you so much!  His face is all - emotions…  He is overplaying it. I feel it. I know it…  Maybe I don’t want to believe him?  Or, I don’t want him to love me? I have to think about it… Remember that song... “Players only love you when they’re playing”?… I wonder: How much those players like to get played?… And I said: - I love you too!  VGM

  ... I hope I will always be able to appreciate every memory of the past on my face...   So…  I promise myself to laugh and smile more… VGM

...Here I am in front of the computer… at 2 in the morning… I was trying to get some sleep. That didn’t happen… Came to the conclusion I need to change something in my life…  I need a guy… Do I?  Okay, stop thinking like that. I already decided I need a guy…  This is why I can’t sleep - I can’t stop changing my mind! Where was I?  I am going to create a dating profile…  Picture… They want my picture. … The last time I liked my own pictures was about 20 years ago…  … I think all these was a bad idea… I better get back to bed. …No! I can do this! Pictures… spent another hour looking through my photos… kids, grandkids… There isn’t one decent picture of me alone…    Okay, this one will work.  What am I looking for? …  Hmmm … Someone who doesn’t irritate me to death? …  Okay! Be serious now…  So far, I know exactly what I am not looking for…  Be positive!  I would like to find someone handsome, smart, with sense of humor, ...

  I am a believer…   I process every, even the most horrific, event of my life… and life of others. The goal is to keep thinking till I find: peace,  positive lesson, positive outcome. All three are a must… VGM

  What do you think happens to us when we die? I believe in science… It seems to have logic to it. As our brain dies chemical reaction stops. We exist no more...  We live in memories of our children...  It feels so unsettling...  Empty… It’s comforting to believe there is something we transform into...  Faith is a choice…  VGM

  The talent needs an audience, an action, a passion of the world...     It attracts like a magnet…  It’s different… It’s magical…  And yet, the talent has a lonely soul... It looks inside itself more than out...  It feels like self-absorption and self-distraction at the same time...  It’s hard to handle, be around or love... hard to understand or except...  And yet, it will enable new horizons within you… VGM

  I am a river running its waters, its soul to the ocean...   To realize you are not the ocean...  You are another river running to the same ocean of life...  We are destined to bland and mix with many others... To never be found… VGM

There is no rule to intimacy…  What ever makes two people excited about one another… anything… there is no right or wrong… only the feeling of being appreciated for who you are, being understood… You open your eyes... The sunrise is barely peeking through the windows... It feels so warm and cozy under the blankets... Your hand slowly brushing over her body... You studied these curves for years, yet, to discover new horizons of her…  You are very careful... She is asleep and you don’t want to wake her up… You explode so unexpected... like it was the first time in your life...   VGM

  …Tango…  Holding each other like the world is about to end…   And all of a sudden push away so hard and painful... Indifferent…  Indifferent… till the heart can’t take this distance any longer… And all you can do is to hold each other again even harder…  VGM

  He gets on top pinning me down to the bed… My knee kicks… and hits the spot… He jumps off in pain…  I have no understanding of what is happening… What do I know…? I am 8 years old…  I run…  I am scared… shaking…  I feel like throwing up…  Him… on his knees bagging for forgiveness…  Our experiences challenge us.  They do not define us…  VGM

  -I can be a writer… Can I? She says:  - Oh, some memoirs? That’s boring. Besides, who reads these days. Her sweet face turns  sour. I can hear my daughter saying:  - We never had this conversation mom!  - Yes my dear, this conversation is between me and myself…  VGM

- I can say this with all the confidence I was born to be a Muse... I have the powers and I know how to use them ... I am not gorgeous or perfect but I draw attention by my open, loving, caring and sincere smile, my sweet and sophisticated appearance... I love, appreciate, understand, listen and nurture... I don’t judge but encourage... I give different perspectives... I care about your soul like only mother could... I help you to see how great and incredible you are... I lift your spirits up when you need it...  I help you fly and fly away...  I help you fly away, hoping you will carry believe in yourself for the rest of your life...  And I let you go...  I let you go   to capture your heart forever...   ...Those were the last words she spoke climbing the scaffold to be silenced forever...  She was only 19... to never live up to her 20th birthday...  VGM

… We have to process the pain till it’s no longer a pain but a lesson with positive outcome. If you grow up in a tough culture like mine you know you have to not only find a positive outcome. You must be able to laugh at your past… Example: …Knock on my door. There is a woman a few years older than myself… - May I see John? (John is my husband then) - He is not home, but will be in shortly. Would you like to come in and wait for him here? I was about to have a cup of tea. And I have a cake to go with it. … Here we are, sitting at the kitchen table having meaningless conversation about weather and gardening. The woman keeps steering the conversation back to my husband, saying how great John is. I can tell she is clueless about   who I am… I hear the front door opens. My husband is home. I go to greet him. - There is someone waiting for you in the kitchen… I follow him to the kitchen… I will never forget the look on his face…  The woman got speechless…  - I’ll let you ...