And now you sea* me…

...Here I am in front of the computer… at 2 in the morning… I was trying to get some sleep. That didn’t happen… Came to the conclusion I need to change something in my life…  I need a guy… Do I?  Okay, stop thinking like that. I already decided I need a guy…  This is why I can’t sleep - I can’t stop changing my mind! Where was I?  I am going to create a dating profile…  Picture… They want my picture. … The last time I liked my own pictures was about 20 years ago…  … I think all these was a bad idea… I better get back to bed. …No! I can do this! Pictures… spent another hour looking through my photos… kids, grandkids… There isn’t one decent picture of me alone…    Okay, this one will work.  What am I looking for? …  Hmmm … Someone who doesn’t irritate me to death? …  Okay! Be serious now…  So far, I know exactly what I am not looking for…  Be positive!  I would like to find someone handsome, smart, with sense of humor, ...

  I am a believer…   I process every, even the most horrific, event of my life… and life of others. The goal is to keep thinking till I find: peace,  positive lesson, positive outcome. All three are a must… VGM

  What do you think happens to us when we die? I believe in science… It seems to have logic to it. As our brain dies chemical reaction stops. We exist no more...  We live in memories of our children...  It feels so unsettling...  Empty… It’s comforting to believe there is something we transform into...  Faith is a choice…  VGM

  The talent needs an audience, an action, a passion of the world...     It attracts like a magnet…  It’s different… It’s magical…  And yet, the talent has a lonely soul... It looks inside itself more than out...  It feels like self-absorption and self-distraction at the same time...  It’s hard to handle, be around or love... hard to understand or except...  And yet, it will enable new horizons within you… VGM

  I am a river running its waters, its soul to the ocean...   To realize you are not the ocean...  You are another river running to the same ocean of life...  We are destined to bland and mix with many others... To never be found… VGM

There is no rule to intimacy…  What ever makes two people excited about one another… anything… there is no right or wrong… only the feeling of being appreciated for who you are, being understood… You open your eyes... The sunrise is barely peeking through the windows... It feels so warm and cozy under the blankets... Your hand slowly brushing over her body... You studied these curves for years, yet, to discover new horizons of her…  You are very careful... She is asleep and you don’t want to wake her up… You explode so unexpected... like it was the first time in your life...   VGM

  …Tango…  Holding each other like the world is about to end…   And all of a sudden push away so hard and painful... Indifferent…  Indifferent… till the heart can’t take this distance any longer… And all you can do is to hold each other again even harder…  VGM

  He gets on top pinning me down to the bed… My knee kicks… and hits the spot… He jumps off in pain…  I have no understanding of what is happening… What do I know…? I am 8 years old…  I run…  I am scared… shaking…  I feel like throwing up…  Him… on his knees bagging for forgiveness…  Our experiences challenge us.  They do not define us…  VGM

  -I can be a writer… Can I? She says:  - Oh, some memoirs? That’s boring. Besides, who reads these days. Her sweet face turns  sour. I can hear my daughter saying:  - We never had this conversation mom!  - Yes my dear, this conversation is between me and myself…  VGM

- I can say this with all the confidence I was born to be a Muse... I have the powers and I know how to use them ... I am not gorgeous or perfect but I draw attention by my open, loving, caring and sincere smile, my sweet and sophisticated appearance... I love, appreciate, understand, listen and nurture... I don’t judge but encourage... I give different perspectives... I care about your soul like only mother could... I help you to see how great and incredible you are... I lift your spirits up when you need it...  I help you fly and fly away...  I help you fly away, hoping you will carry believe in yourself for the rest of your life...  And I let you go...  I let you go   to capture your heart forever...   ...Those were the last words she spoke climbing the scaffold to be silenced forever...  She was only 19... to never live up to her 20th birthday...  VGM

… We have to process the pain till it’s no longer a pain but a lesson with positive outcome. If you grow up in a tough culture like mine you know you have to not only find a positive outcome. You must be able to laugh at your past… Example: …Knock on my door. There is a woman a few years older than myself… - May I see John? (John is my husband then) - He is not home, but will be in shortly. Would you like to come in and wait for him here? I was about to have a cup of tea. And I have a cake to go with it. … Here we are, sitting at the kitchen table having meaningless conversation about weather and gardening. The woman keeps steering the conversation back to my husband, saying how great John is. I can tell she is clueless about   who I am… I hear the front door opens. My husband is home. I go to greet him. - There is someone waiting for you in the kitchen… I follow him to the kitchen… I will never forget the look on his face…  The woman got speechless…  - I’ll let you ...

- Hello,  - How are you doing today? - Anything I can help you find? Grey haired gentleman in his 60s… The man is obviously on the mission, completely ignores my greeting, keeps walking through the store straight to the accessories section. Then, he stands there in front of the underwear display for a while…  I think he needs my help. He looks lost…  - Sir, may I help you?   (Long pause) - I like this underwear. (he finally says)  But I don’t know what size I wear… I have to ask my wife… VGM

  My horoscope says I am attracted to emotionally insecure and undeveloped men. All my life I am trying to prove I am not. How is it working for me…? Hmmm… I’ll let you decide… I think it’s all my dad’s fault… I always thought, if my mom just had a little more patience… Don’t take me wrong! I love my mom! She is the strongest person I’ve ever met, of course, after me… So…  Here’s how it goes. I meet a guy. And the whole time we are together I lead him to believe he is the greatest man I’ve ever met. I see him growing in his own eyes, becoming a believer, he can conquer the world.  Wow! Impressive! Right..? Wrong… Somehow it makes the guy to believe he can and deserves to have any woman in the world.  This is all you could think of…? Really…? How about invading Mars? Or creating a Perpetua Mobile…? Or at list opening another chain of fast food restaurants…? Okay my dear Casanova, go ahead and conquer your world. Enjoy! And then, bum…! The guy is li...

  … Just at that very moment you think you’ve seen it all…   The ocean - incomprehensible… powerful…    healing… full of secrets and new discoveries… The sounds… The sea foam…  Sea foam is a fish pee…!?  How silly is that…?! Hans Christian Andersen had a different opinion and I love that one…!  When mermaid dies, it’s body turns into a sea foam… Beautiful…! VGM

  What do you do when you feel sad? Sometimes I like to get under the blanket with cup of tea or coffee and think, think and think... or write, write and write... Drawing is great for my soul. I don’t have to be Picasso. I am better then him because I am me. And I need this. I need all these right at this moment to help me heal… Though, most of the time I know I have to stop thinking and just enjoy simple things like taking a long walk or a bike ride, or a drive... … Concentrate on what I see and not how I feel... —————————— The first 6 years of my life in US I spent in UT. If it wasn't for those kind people I would never be able to speak English the way I do.They made me to believe I can… And now you sea* me… VGM

Wow... I used to do that…)  There were times before YouTube with their DIY videos.  I would sit in the book section of the Home Depot and keep reading and looking through the pictures till I figure out what the heck I am going to do in my bathroom after I just destroyed it…) VGM