And now you sea* me…

Хочу любить. Зачем? Уже всё поздно… Я знаю наперёд, разлука ждёт. Лишь потому, что нет нужды серьёзно Воспринимать желания полёт.  Полёт мечты в минуты вдохновенья. Заманчивые эстакады слов. Волшебный мир безумного стременья, Чтоб испытать соединение миров.  Мы создаём миры и разрушаем. Мы погружаемся в безудержную страсть. И, на мгновенье только, забываем, Судьбы неразделимой власть.  Нет, не судьба владеет нами, А наши мысли обретённые годами…  Январь 2022  VGM 

Слова твои уносит вольный ветер.  Следы твои занесены листвой.  Глаза я откраиваю на рассвете,  И вижу пред собою образ твой.  Я начинаю день с воспоминаний,  Далёки и до боли дорогих,  Признаний губ твоих и рук касаний  Мне не забыть в объятиях других.  Мне не забыть любви томленья,  Ни боли от разлуки , ни тоски,  Когда душа зовёт соединенья  Ветрам и расстояньям вопреки.  О сколькоб отдала я благ на свете,  Чтобы тебя увидеть на рассвете.  Ноябрь 1997. К.А. VGM 

Kindness shouldn’t be choosy.  It is or it is not.  Advantage is a manipulation easy to recognize and avoid… And yet, be kind... VGM 

  Music...  It helps your mind, relays to your soul, your passions, dreams...  It heals and nurtures, uplifts and enriches...  Music helps you to communicate and express yourself...  It leads you to believe in your own self... and see good in others… VGM

Чего ждала я? И о чём мечтала?  Ты домик наш построил на песке.  И вот уже я в нём хозяйкой стала,  Зажавши сердце от волнения в руке.  Ждала тебя в печальном нашем доме.  Поверила в любви твоей слова.  Казалась королевою на троне.  Но от высот кружится голова.  В безумном этом головокруженьи  Я позабыла, что песчаный дом,  Размыт прибоем будет в искупленье  Минут счастливых, проведённых в нём.  Плачу сполна я за минуты счастья  Душой, разбитой о прибой в ненастье.  Ноябрь 1997. К.А. VGM

  What is the first thing comes to mind when you can’t find forgiveness in your heart?   “How stupid I was…?” You are not stupid! After all:  “Lover and a madman are the same… from the medical prospective” (Apollon Mitrofanovich) VGM

  This is how college finals went… 30 to 45 tickets on the table turned upside down…  You must pick one…   You got it! Now, you have 3 unrelated questions… You also have 20 minutes to prepare… create sort of a plan of your speech… Every, of 3 questions you’ve got, must be answered - 10/15 minutes speech per question…   Now, you are in front of 1 to 3 teachers…  These people always look intimidating… You’re almost done…  Just answer a few more questions from your examiners… By the end of this execution… you can predict… if you passed the exam…) VGM

Одиночество- страшное слово! Как его от себя не гони, Но является снова и снова  Мучить душу до самой зари.  Хладнокровный палач, у постели  Громко топчется каждую ночь.  И пока петухи не пропели,  Поживиться слезою не прочь.  Но душа, улетая далёко,  Где-то в мире находит тебя.  Ты вернёшься ко мне, одинокой,  Как и прежде, надеясь, любя.  Я не верю в дурные пророчества.  Так оставь меня Одиночество! Ноябрь 1997. К.А. VGM  

Мы все так изменились внешне,  Любовь и горечь напоказ.  Следы скрываем безуспешно,  А зеркала глядят с насмешкою на нас.  Бороться нам с годами не пристало,  Зачем жалеть о том, что не сбылось?  Конец чего-то - безусловное начало  Чего-то большего, о чём мечтали вскользь… А зеркала глупы и равнодушны,  Им не понять испытанной души,  Души, живущей в теле душном,  Уставшем от надменной суеты.  Не нужно спорить с зеркалами.  Им не понять, что было с нами… Январь 2022 VGM

We're erasing each other’s existence on social media… It became a form of an… abuse…  revenge… escape …  We die every day… at the click of a button… VGM

  This one is dedicated to two of my dear high school teachers:  Russian language/ literature and  English language. Two different teachers and languages, same opinion… - You can’t write/learn the  language… And here I am,  anyway,  driven by my passion and courage…  VGM

  I ride my bike around the neighborhood almost every day, pick up every nail and screw I find on the road, so no one, myself included, get a flat tire. I got a flat tire halfway through my trip  this morning…   VGM

Wake up...   Get up... Leave the house...  If, whatever you are expecting to happen, is not happening, take a different path to get there...  VGM

 Ultimate Control is a deceiving and delusional desire of an emotionally poor mind, that can never be satisfied...   I have never been possessive. You are free of being and doings whatever you want... This is the only way I can appreciate you for who you are. If you feel captivated by me sometimes it is chemistry, not control...  I don’t mind the feeling of a little possession, when I am dancing in front of you…  At that very moment you belong to me fully and unconditionally...  And, yet... you can say the same about me - I am in your hands...  This possession and control are equal, balanced, united... and most fulfilling… VGM

 Have you ever loved someone out of pity? …  Us, women, with our motherly instincts, transferring our motherhood to incapable men? … Though, he is not incapable at all…  He knows you. He knows how to use your instincts to his benefit…  Let him have it…  Let him live his fantasy…  Lead him to believe he is your God… Illusions make men happy… And us, women, satisfied… VGM

  I forgot to tell you, I am a psychologist, not the one who signs prescriptions left and right. That would be a psychiatrist. I listen to people every day, their stories, fears and troubles. It’s my job to listen and not interfere unless necessary…   Sometimes I feel like smacking my patient on the head because of how ridiculous he/she may sound… It is also my job to keep it together…   Turns out he is real.   We spoke on the phone. He talks a lot. He doesn’t stop for a second…  Come on dude! I am getting a headache here! Don’t you want to know about me, at least a little? …  Okay, keep going. I turn the volume down in my head.  I think, he is talking this much because he is afraid of silence… He is definitely overcompensating…  He is shy. I am no longer listening. It’s too much. I don’t even know what to say when he stops talking… Feels like there’s nothing to add… Alright, that went well…   I have to give him a credit. He is sweet, definit...

 Living one day at the time is a great way to deal with immediate stress, to keep better control over your daily emotions...  Scarlett O’Hara (“Gone with the wind “) used to say - “I’ll worry about that tomorrow “...and never gave it a second thought... It made her indifferent to other people’s feelings... Unfortunately pushing negative experiences and emotions away is like applying a Band-Aid to a deep wound that needs stitches. It will heal one day... It’s going to leave an ugly scar...  We have to sew our wounds stitch by stitch... by ourselves or with help of others...  We have to answer all the difficult questions- why, what and how... We have to try to be as objective as we can, even if it hurts. And we avoid pain...  Objectivity comes with understanding “why”.   Then... “What” and “how” help with compartmentalization, forgiveness and let go...  All painful experiences will transform into a positive lesson...one day...  VGM

  I should describe myself at this point… or at least what I think of myself…   It’s hard… We can talk about others a lot easier…  I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less…  I knew many and this is why I am alone…  I think this would be the right description… Do I really feel lonely? … Busy mind is never lonely, I always say.  My question is: do I need a man to complete me, or will he be my partner in crime? I am sure, you already know the answer... I am a good looking, tall, fit woman in my early 50s, independent, kind and smart. I think, he is good looking too, nothing special, you know…   Not a dream, but who needs a pretty one… Pretty guys are in love with themselves…  I said:  - I may not be the woman of your dreams but my sensuality will follow you.  And he said:  - How do you know it’s not following me already?  Wow, this guy is good! He can’t be real…  Is it one of those  scams? … VGM To be continued…

 You don’t really need to write a story from the beginning...  There are thoughts...  Write them down. Even, if they don’t lead to anything...  Even, if they feel insignificant at the moment...  Let it go for a little while...  Then, read it as an outsider, like you have never written it...  Sometimes... all those little notes can turn into one masterpiece… VGM

 … Love is unexplainable and irrational feeling...  We have no say in whom to love and why...  The magic of it is to except someone into your heart on no conditions...  Something, very insignificant, can trigger eternal fire...   VGM